8:14 p.m. - 2021-07-22
1st Trauma part two
Technically my first trauma is one I dont remember. My dad split when I was a newborn and my bro was 6. He just upped and left all of us. My bro remembers the trauma more than I do but I was in that environment. Mom was devastated and I dont think she's ever fully recovered from it. My dad cheated a lot on her and even in front if my bro
Mom didn't have a job or education. She was stuck with two kids no job and no income. She busted her ass to take care of us financially but her not being around just pulled me away from the bonding even more.
The subject of money is an on going issue in my house. Mom is hard on me about it, some of it deserved, most of it not. She has her reasons to be upset with me about things. But some of the things she gripes about is from 20 years ago.
My brother told me once that she admitted she's harder on me than him. And trust me, I've felt it since the day I was born. Growing up I always blamed myself because I was a newborn and thought the stress of having a newborn caused the divorce. Although I wasn't the actual cause, I was kinda treated like I was by her.
Don't get me wrong I am so grateful for her. Our relationship has greatly improved as we've gotten older. But there's a disconnect with her. She's been through her own shit and truama untreated (shocker).
She was pregnant twice before my bro and I. They both passed away, one stillborn, one a few weeks after being born. My father blamed her for their deaths. Fucking scum. Ironically enough when I was pregnant my ex used to blame me because kept throwing up and couldn't hold my food down. That's when I left him. A red flag and life lesson mirroring my moms experience with my dad.
I get my "strength" from my mom no doubt. But my strength was built upon some insecurities that she's created. I get my kindness (when I'm kind) from her, and the silliness, the snark, sass and tude. My sarcasm and dark humor comes from my father. I often put my foot in my mouth and say dumb shit all the time.
I dont blame her for what the therapist told her to. I dont blame her for having to work in order to support us, it was circumstances beyond her control. She thought she was doing the right thing and I'm sure it kills her inside. Thus perpetuating the abuse.
While I understand how heartbroken she is about everything, sometimes I feel like she makes it about her, silencing my voice even more.
I love my mom and bro, but I was emotionally ripped away from them so I always feel so out of place, even in my own home.
I am grateful for getting older and growing (if you want to call it that). I'm grateful that a lot of my anger towards my mom has dissipated. We're a work in progress.
Unfortunately as we've gotten older the burden of taking care of both of them will lie on me and I can't even take care of myself. I keep telling them both they need to get help around the house etc. Especially for my mom. My bro and I (mostly him) have taken care of my mom our entire whole lives in one way or another. He needs to take care of himself and not worry so much about her. And she needs to start pulling her weight around the house with the few things she is able to do, she can help. She used to make us clean every Saturday and to be honest i just remember her yelling at us and not actually helping. Nothing was good enough with her, even now. And boy you think I'm stubborn/argumentative, guess who I got it from?
Mom did the best she could with the deck she was dealt. And my father?! He went off and remarried adopted her kids and abandoned his flesh n blood. I hate my last name, it's supposed to be a family name, it is NOT a name my father honored so why should I. ... to be continued Disclosure: this is NOT 📚 ↔️ 🦁 appropriate. just trying to start fresh. If anyone cares.
