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12:32 p.m. - 2021-07-21
My 1st Trauma
The first childhood memory I have is giving oral sex to my step brother. He was 12 and honestly I dont blame him.

When my stepmother found out she threw my father's guns in the lake because she was afraid he was going to kill her son (at least thats what I was told). My father however accused my mom of brainwashing me so as a result the therapist told my mom not to talk to me about it. The courts even allowed me to go back to regular bi weekly visits afte even while he was in the house. It was frightening and uncomfortable as fuck being forced to go back to that house. It happened again as a result, under the deck.

I told the truth at five and my father didn't believe me, blames his own son (my pro). If he was the one abusing me why the fuck didn't he save me? And where the fuck was my mom?

My whole family fell apart, it was all my fault I had no one to help me, no one. Only thing I had was pets.

How does a five year old process this alone? And how do they grow up processing everything alone? How does said five year old grow up with constantly getting flashbacks of a penis in her mouth?

I blame the adults in this situation, but here's the fucking kicker that kills me.

Is it really their any of their fault?
On the surface yes, but the reality is that its no one's fault because this is what the fuck we are as humans. My stepbrother came from the environment he grew up in, so did his parents,, and my dad, and their parents etc. The abuse is handed down from generation to generation like a fucking quilt. Conscious without a conscious is what the fuck we are.

Even now to this day my family can't stand that I talk about it.



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